Author: Kaesi Campbell

I thought she’d left a while ago

I was happy all this time

But just when I thought I was enough

Ana came back to town

She saw the way I’ve grown and gained

She saw the number below my feet

She scoffed and laughed 

And said to me

Oh wow you’re doing great

Her hatred filled my ears and mind

And brought back all the tears

Ana pushed away my food

Said this will be our year

She said it’s been long overdue

That she’d been here again

She’ll push me to the ground this time

I’ll try not to let her win

She showed me all those years ago

When I was just a kid

When her and I were the best of friends

I’d never seen so clear

And now just like a coach she’s here

Yelling in my ear

Telling me you’re not good enough

Until you hear them cheer

I’ll change my hair and change my face

I’ll run all day

I’ll keep the pace

I’ll look at food and turn away

And hope that soon

Ana will leave again someday

Someday when I am smaller

My bones will start to show

I’ll cover up my body

So nobody will know

I’ll lie to friends and family

Why should I let them in

Ana says they’d never care

And when they start to see

My body will be gone away

My best friend Ana and me.

You’re suffocating me

Did you not listen

When I said I’m not ready

I’ll never be for you

This ideal picture of grace

I’ll never be the one

That keeps showing my face

I can’t be the one you run to

Or the one you call home

I can’t keep going in circles

Pretending you’re the one I love

I don’t know what love is

I’ve never really tried

When you asked me if I could love you someday

I came up with a lie

I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready

I don’t know if you’re the one I want

You tell everyone we’re endgame

That I’m the girl you’ll marry

But what if I can’t love myself

What if I can’t carry

This weight you’ve put on my back

To be the couple

That never cracks

The one you dream about each night

Or the one with whom

You’ll fantasize a life

I can’t be that girl

Not now maybe not ever

I’m not the one you want

I can’t feel like I’m tethered

This game we play each time

It break little pieces of me inside

I hate to be the one

To be the first to run

I’ve never had control

I’m not the same girl you thought you’d know

I’m terrified to fall

My past shows it all

I’m not ready to be

The girl you love

The girl you need.

My Thoughts keep me up at night

They consume my dreams

They pick a fight

They tell me I’m worthless

Or fat, ugly, annoying, pathetic

They tell me my friends hate me

They say I’ll never be good enough

I think I’m pretty less and less

I try to block them out

To ignore the hate they spew

But like a friend they just won’t go

They scream and shout

Until I hate my body down to my toes

I close my eyes

Try to count sheep

But over and over

They won’t let me sleep

They turn to monsters

Consuming my mind

Saying you know you’d be prettier

If you’d just go and hide

I’ll lose all the weight

I’ll count every bite

But those voices will always

Be there deep inside.

You Can see it in the little things they do

Pushing away their friends

Maybe their family too

Their exercise gets higher

Their energy goes low

They always feel like they’re not enough

Or like their mind might go

Nothing you say can help

Nothing you can do

But sit with them a while

You’ll see they’re just like you

The only thing that’s different

Their minds tell them they’ll fail

They avoid the food you place for them

They’d never felt so well

They wear such baggy clothes

You’ll see their face goes pale

Their bodies on the brink of death

Their minds slipping slow

They fade away to nothingness

While no one seems to know

The world accepts their skinniness 

And doesn’t question how

Did you go and fade so quick

Without a warning sound.